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Do You Meet People Where They Are?

I used to get so mad and frustrated with my friends, certain family members and boyfriends for their flakiness.  I would dream up fun plans, present it to them and they, of course, agreed. When the time came for us to actually do it, they would often change their minds. I’ve learned that when people disappoint you and let you down, it usually means you’re putting too much pressure on them.

By now, most of my friends are married with kids. Being the last single person in my social group sucks. My girlfriends had become “take it or leave it” about going out for drinks or trying a new social spot. They would agree to go, but at the last minute, their significant other would insist that she stay at home. Their other excuse would be a flakey babysitter.  Great, another Saturday night alone. My girlfriends were no longer motivated to be “on the scene.”  They had begun the nesting process. Why would a satisfied employee want to be bothered with a job fair, right? Looking back, I don’t blame them.

I had a guy in my life that was wonderful to me. He and I shared everything in common, except for my zest for fun. He thought dating was simply sitting at home watching movies. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good movie night once a week.  Every time we get together though? Nothing else?  Really? I used to suggest various activities from bowling to shooting pool. I even suggested a short road trip to a bed and breakfast. Nothing!

For years, I did many fun things with various people, but there was so much more a single chic could have done. I felt trapped in a cage and the only people that could help me get out of it were people who were satisfied in that cage.

I got fed up. Frustration and resentment were building within me. I knew I was going to have to create a new life for myself from scratch.

I had beloved friends, but I needed people to DO things with! I had people who loved and supported me, but they could not satisfy my need for fun and living fully.

I began networking for new activity partners. This took so much pressure of my friends. I was no longer disappointment with them. I could go out and do so many things and come back and have a simple afternoon lunch with them. It has been great!

What I started doing was meeting people where they are. If all they can do is meet once a month for a 2 hour lunch, then that’s what we do and I am satisfied. I have employed this tactic throughout all my relationships. I no longer try to change people. If they don’t like going out, then I leave them right there. I go out , have fun, and return with an account of my great adventures!  I don’t try to change anyone and I’m happy. Now my plate is full and I actually have to turn down many invitations to do things. Of course when my friends need me, I’m there, but I no longer have to wait for them to help me get out there.  Have you ever been through this? Has anyone applied pressure to you?

 

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Was it the SEX or the Xanax?

Okay, I am not a poet like my fellow blogger like http://boomiebol.wordpress.com/ but I am feeling inspired this morning, so here I go: 

My muscles….twisted like a pretzel…twined tighter than a ball of yarn…tight like freshly braided hair on a scalp….now fall limp and helpless

My limbs….now soft and trying to resist the affect of your strong pull…no longer tense My legs struggle to stay strong…but they fail

Your strength is too much and I succumb

I am weak

I relax

And

Float

I surrender

I feel the warmth and I enjoy it

I feel my body ride the current of the waves….I, me, the waves, my limbs: we

We ride together and I cannot resist it

I enjoy it and I’m falling….no….I have fallen and I surrender and I like it

I like it forever

I don’t want it to end

I enjoyed the ride and I awake in the morning thinking of your affect

I cannot wait for our next encounter

I will tell others of your goodness

I needed you

My body needed you

I will remember you

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What I love about MEN

This Is Embarrassing To Admit:

I remember when I was about 15 years old. I was taking art classes, drawing, painting and doing all type of creative things in my spare time. I was going to be a fashion designer or an interior designer. I would read all the latest Elle Décor issues. I was 15 years old and had a $50 a year magazine subscription. I was dedicated. Then I met him.

I developed an undying crush on him and eventually dropped all my interests and focused on him. What he did, what he said and why he did what he did. I would go on to be like this for the next 20 years. I dropped my interests. He became my interest. It wasn’t just him; it was all men. I lost who I was and concerned myself with getting and pleasing men. I am just now getting back to my true self now. I am currently making up for loss time.

The Typical Woman:

One of my best friends is always pissed at her husband because he has maintained his relationships with his friends. He even has a great rapport with his co-workers. He will go out to a bar and watch the game, boxing matches and participate in “happy hour.” He and his buddies play sports, go on hunting and fishing trips and play poker.

She sits at home with a scowl on her face, rocks in her jaws and a nasty attitude. It will be silence when he returns.

Why won’t she schedule some time for her and her friends? I don’t know. I cannot figure out what it is. When a woman does go out with her friends, she is doing it to spite him. She is not fulfilling her life, but counter attacking him. Instead of finding and nurturing our own interests, she makes him her interest. He is her everything and when he “let’s her down” by pursuing his interests, she is heartbroken and upset.

When I suggest to my married friend that she make plans for herself,  so she can get out, she replies, “My mood is just too blown.” She becomes resigned and she is disgusted at that point. I feel bad for her. She is not alone though. I have done it and I know other women do it everyday. It’s too common.

What I love about men:

What I love about men is that they retain their life when they’re in relationships. Even when they’re in high school, they can get a girlfriend and still play on the team. Girls don’t do that as easily. Our emotions distract us too much. That’s why I have come to study and admire men and the way they do things. They will always take care of their needs. They make damn sure of that. You are the biggest  part of their life. Not their life. You are not their life. Maybe we can take a cue from them?

 

 

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Have You Ever Been Put On Layaway?

I met a really nice guy back in January, shortly after my birthday. He approached me.

We started out hot and heavy (as usual). Our attraction was very strong. He said the right things, I said the right things, and we had a great time. Then, suddenly, without warning: all I hear is crickets. The phone stops ringing and the texting begins.

 

Suddenly, he’s so busy. The 5-year-old daughter he had while we were hot and heavy suddenly needed his attention. His mother suddenly needed him for everything. Every time I wanted to see him, it was always, “My mom needs me to… (fill in the blank with whatever excuse you want because I could give a fat’s dogs ass at this point).”

 

I confronted him about the cold shoulder treatment and he told me that he felt we were “moving too fast.” Anyway, so I backed away for about 6 weeks. During that 6 week hiatus, he texted and called me a total of 2 times. He was just “checking with” me to make sure I was “doing okay.” He let me know that although he hadn’t called, he was still thinking of me. At this point, I was just shocked, but relieved he called.

 

Weeks go by and I have basically moved on. Then, one morning at 8 a.m., he calls and blurts out all this information. He had some sort of catharsis. It’s as if he was seeking some sort of redemption. “I’ve been seeing my ex-girlfriend the whole time we have known each other. I couldn’t tell you because I thought you wouldn’t stick around.”

 

Blah, blah, blah, and 3 paragraphs later, he wants to break up with her because he feels emotionally abused by her. Blah, blah, blah, he doesn’t want to lose access to his daughter because the girlfriend holds the little girl sort of “hostage.”

 

The bottom line is this: I do love him because his is wonderful and we have a bond. But he needs to take me off layaway! He picked me off the shelf, with a little money down so that I felt like I shouldn’t see anyone else. He got me involved and allowed a love to blossom over time. He has held me there ever since. You know, in a store, you can only hold the merchandise for so long without getting out. You are interrupting business by not claiming items that can be purchased by a serious customer. He needs to either piss or get off the pot. He’s trying to keep me “in the loop” with his occasional phone calls and morning greetings through text. What does he want from me? Have you ever been put on layaway? 

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10 signs you know you need to get laid

When you’re not in a real relationship, you often forego sex. It’s a sad side affect of being single. Of course you don’t have to be in a relationship in order to have it, but sometimes you make the decision to wait until you’re seeing someone you like and trust. Either way, it’s your choice. I have been thinking about this subject extensively. Sex: the mechanics of it, the pleasures of it, the emotional connection and the animalistic nature of it. We’re just animals and we have physical needs. I wanted to wait until I am in a  relationship, but I just might have to break the glass and reach for the “firehose” to put the “fire” out.

Here are 10 signs that it’s time to get laid.

1) You can’t stomach the thought of another “girls night out”

Now, I LOVE my girls. They are my gal pals. Love ‘em to Reese’s Piece’s. But if I have to sit through one more luncheon, café chat session, girl’s night in, or Mani Pedi party, I am going to start sniping from the roof. I have had enough estrogen for a while!

2) Everyone’s whining gets on your nerves!  

You feel like everyone is bitching and moaning seems to make you want to scream. “Get a real problem with real frustrations!” You want them to just get a shot of Petron and leave you the hell alone. I don’t want to hear the bitching about their relationship because at least they are having relations!

3) The plumber’s crack starts looking good!

Yeah, at work, I have been destroying everything around me just so I can watch the cute maintenance man can sweat in front of me. He’s going to catch on to me eventually. How does one office run through 30 fluorescent bulbs in 3 months? Who does that? Really?

4) You’re turned on by the produce section at the grocery store!

This is way obvious. Cucumbers. Deli pickles. Bananas….hell…SQUASH!

It’s just an emergency room tragedy waiting to happen.

5) Simple commercials turn you on!

Not the K-Y personal lubricant stimulator gel commercials-not these. I’m talking about simple shit list like men’s sporting commercials. Just men being sweaty. Period.

6) You book an unscheduled gyno appointment just for some more action!

I have a really nice gyno doc. He’s a young guy with a nice smile. I recently came back for seconds. This is just sad.

7) Everything someone says has double-meaning in your head!

I work with a lot of vendors and delivery men. They are always delivering something I need and have to ask me where I need the goods. Simple phrases like, “How would like it?” “You like that?” “Where do you want me to put it?” “Is it good” conjure up images of your legs behind your head like Bugs Bunny. Sickening.

8) You sublimate with food

You look at a dessert picture in a magazine like a centerfold spread (Food porn). You are bothered while watching a Dove Bar commercials playing the Barry White music in the background, slow motion chocolate flowing across the screen and the sultry voice of Kathleen Turner describing the rising action of the decadent chocolate.

When your friends tell you what they ate and you ask them to repeat details, slow their speech down and describe every tasty bit…then that’s a real sign that you’re long overdue.

9) You seek out anything that vibrates.

You place your phone on “Vibrate” on purpose, send out massive text messages and wait for all the responses. When the washing machine is running, you opt to sit on it.

Better than a vibrator.

10) You watch animals humping and you smoke a cigarette when they finish

This is self-explanatory.

I guess I know what I need to do. Did I miss anything?

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Types of Guys Online: Recognize Any of These Guys?

I have been toiling with online dating for about 6 months now. It has been frustrating, confusing, comical, and educational. It has definitely provided me with some comedy. You should see me at the coffee pot at work every morning telling the funny and interesting tales of my online contacts. My co-workers, some single, most married, stare and smile while sipping their morning Joe as I share the different encounters I’ve had the night before. Then, on occasion, they ask to see his profile picture. They rate the men among themselves. We even take bets on whether or not the guy is employed. It’s been a hoot. I always make the best of any situation, whether it’s a friendly bet or a drinking game. NickiJay is always  a good time, however, one of my frustrations has been the lack of consistent communication,  crazy encounters over the phone and creepy chats and emails. Why was I having such sketchy communication? How hard is it to communicate? The guy sees me, sends me a message, and I send him one back. But then…he disappears. UFO’s don’t disappear that fast! But surveying the two websites I have been on and interviewing other online daters, I think I have figured out what the online dating landscape is made up of. Now, first let me say this: this is only a few types I have experienced. There are many more online dating types than what I have listed here, but this is just what I have encountered.

The Young Buck:

The first guy is the Young Buck. I call him “Sport,” “Junior,” or “Scooter.”  He’s wonderful. He wants a woman to spoil and be a great guy to. He’s sweeter than raisins, works full-time, has manors and wants to start a relationship—right now. There’s only one problem: he’s in his mid-20’s. He may be 26 at the very highest. He’s never been married and has no children. Just perfect. Now, I don’t have a problem with cougars. One of my best friends is a cougar. They only problem with a young buck is that you two aren’t aging together and I would be constantly paranoid that he’s going to leave me for a girl his age or younger, so I cannot deal with that. Next!

Paranoid Guy:

This poor guy has battle fatigue. He’s been in the online dating world for years, has been burned too many times, feels victimized, but he still is hoping for “the one.” He sends you a message from the foxhole with his riffle fully cocked and loaded. He will talk to you over the phone, however, it is an interrogation. His line of questioning has you sweating as he searches for red flags.  He thinks you’re after him for his house by the lake, his 6 series beamer and his cottage in The Keys. He wants your resume, just to make sure that you’re accomplished so that he’s not going to be used. No matter what you answer, it’s not good enough.

“I like puppies, kittens, Jesus and bunnies.” He’s thinking you’re going to lull him into false sense of comfort, then reach into his chest and eat his heart-IN FRONT OF HIM.  Damaged goods. Next!

Angry Guy:

He’s pissed off. His is one bad date away from Paranoid Guy., I’m not even sure if there is a linear progression, but these two guys are one step away from each other. Anyway, he’s been scorned by women and you are going to pay for it. He spends the whole conversation bitching at you about all his misadventures in dating. He doesn’t get a chance to find out about you. NEXT!

Horny Guy:

This guy is self-explanatory; however, his approach is hilarious. He’s like the Trojan horse. He starts out the chat normally and even comes across gentlemen-like. He’s asks you about your day, your interests and then…..wait for it….wait….. “How big are your boobs?” Boom! There it is! You have to wait for it. It’ll always show up, but you never know who, when or how, but he always sneaks in. He comes dressed up like Decent Guy, but oh no, it is Horny Guy dressed up like Decent Guy. NEXT!

Window Shopper Guy:

Oh I saved the best for last. I love this guy. He caused me hours of frustration, but I now understand what’s going on with this guy. Once I caught on to him, I started seeing this whole this clearly. Here it goes…

Okay, this taken guy (married or otherwise) is bored and after dinner he goes downstairs to log into OkCupid or POF to seek out some excitement for the night. He’s just seeing what’s out there. He plays Second Life, World of War Craft and maybe Grand Theft. He makes a him and he’s employed. He is also “Actively Seeking a Relationship.”

He drops by every once in a while, just to make sure the fish are still swimming and see if he can get a bight. He’ll send an occasional message and ask you about yourself and vaporize instantly until he resurfaces like a floater in Lake Michigan after the spring thaw.  He may even call you and make plans to meet you, but if you call him, he puts you on hold for 5 minutes until he can secure a safe location to talk (so his girl doesn’t hear him). He’s on a texting campaign, as oppose phone chats, this way, he can talk to her in the living room and text you simultaneously, you see. This guy can have you baffled, perplexed and irritated at the same time. Usually, this guy’s pattern is painfully evident after a mere week. The first few days, you excuse his inconsistent communication as just being busy from the weekend, work, fatigue, spending time with kids or whatever. From one Sunday to the next, you can clearly see that he full of it. This guy’s a huge waste of time because the time you spend on him, you could spend your energy elsewhere. He wears on your patience and nerves…one Shopper Guy at a time, week after week. He is an energy zapper! He’s playing around with the women online. You are seriously trying to date and he’s just casually playing around with live wire. Next!

This list is not complete as I said before. It’s just what I have found in 6 months. It has been interesting to say the least. What other types are out there? Have you or anyone you know found anything else? Let me know please. My guy friends tell me horror stories about women online. Share with me about women, too.

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Is Online dating really a new concept?

My 59-year-old co-worker was complaining about online dating saying, “Nowadays, people don’t have any thought whatsoever about meeting strangers for dates.” Yeah, the medium has changed, but meeting strangers isn’t. Remember back in the 70’s when adults took out “Personals” ads and met each other for dates? I remember growing up watching shows, like Three’s Company and Love Boat. Sometimes the story lines would include some guy or girl who misrepresented him or herself  in an ad they took out in the paper. Larry who come from his apartment, excited about some buxom blonde with long legs he was getting ready to meet. Then he’d disappear for most of the show until he came back to the door let down by what he was met with: a short, curly haired brunette!

I used to wonder why someone would meet a complete stranger that they never even laid eyes on and expect the best? That was the thing to do back then: take an ad out that read something like, “Hot, sensual, big and beautiful, black woman seeking a……” The ad would have no picture! They did it all the time! How is online dating any different? At least you now have a picture to go with the online profile! Today, you can communicate with the guy or girl before you decide to meet them and determine if they are one egg short of a dozen. People need to get over themselves and realize that we do the same crap as they did back in the day, but it’s a modern version of it! People were not any more moral decades ago, they were just quiet about it. Today, all our actions are broadcasting via the web. So please, let us all remember history accurately.

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Who’s really in CONTROL in relationships? Men or Women?

Men keep telling me that women are in complete control in relationships. Really? I am not so sure!  Two things come to mind: 1) you cannot make a man commit if he’s not ready and 2) maybe a women’s behavior determines the course of relationship?

Men and women are so different in their views on commitment (obviously). Often, women want to be in one and men just want to be like an airplane and fly around, never touching the ground. They land only to refuel. When they land and pick up new passengers, it’s usually because their boys are in relationships. They don’t want to be out in the cold. Women want a relationships and get tired of dating. For the most part, women want the security of one partner.  We’re almost vulnerable because we want them to cooperate and they don’t really have to. We want something that they can take or leave. Are we at their mercy? So for men to tell me that we’re in control baffles me.

You cannot force a man to call when he says he will. You cannot force him to keep up a text conversation that he started.  You cannot force him to commit when he is not really. You cannot control his urges to screw the girl he works with. You cannot control when he acts out his urge to screw the girl he works with! You cannot force him to put a ring on it, set the date and be excited about giving up his bachelorhood. How are women in control?

Maybe a woman’s behavior can determine the course of the relationship? If she allows him to treat her like a second class whore, then that’s exactly what their relationship will be about: the midnight slide through. If she lets him come over her house and screw her without a date or any requirements, then he will definitely do that. On the contrary, if she let’s him know, in the door, that she requires him to treat her like a valuable lady, then he will either step up to the plate  or fade with the wind. Which scenario is accurate?

 

 

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A Piece of Ass or a Wife: How do guys see women?

When a man first lays eyes on a woman that he is attracted to, his natural predatory instincts come out. He sees her from across the room, his senses heighten, he focuses on her face, her body and her posture. He’s like an animal that has located his prey. He physically positions himself so that he can watch her, but she cannot readily see him. He surveys her surroundings to see if he can spot any immediate threats to his conquest: other interested males, a clingy best friend or perhaps an uninviting look on her face. He also tries to figure out if there are any weaknesses that he can use to his advantage: she’s a little buzzed and laughing with her friends or perhaps she’s been left alone for a moment and that’s when he figures he’ll strike. At this point, she has no name, no family, no education, no hobbies and no heart. She’s a live piece of meat to conquer. He can talk to her nicely, take her home, maybe take her out one night, but she’s just a conquest. How does she go from sexual meat to a wife?

Some of the closest bonds that men and women have are from high school, college, social clubs and even work. The bonds are strong because the sex is prolonged. Men still see her and want her, but because often sex is not so quick, the man is able to view her initially as a piece of meat and then over time he is able to learn about her. Every step of the get-to-know-you process “humanizes” her.  He learns about her thoughts, her likes and dislikes, her habits, her quirks and she becomes a “real” person to him. He respects her and falls truly in love.  Yes, he will have sex with you whether he sees you as a “human being” or not. I think the difference is the “walk away” factor. The more of a “piece of meat” he sees you, the easier it is to “hit it and quit it.” The more he sees you as a 3 dimensional whole person, the harder it is to just get out of bed and shower it off and walk away.

I don’t propose a certain time frame like, let’s say, 90 days or 6 months or some number like that. Getting to the level where there is a bond formed is different for every couple. The relationships that tends to be the strongest are the ones where the sex is prolong AND the women actively shows herself to be a deep person and reveals herself to him in other ways. He may or may not seek out more about her, but she will have to present her other side to him. Yes, she has her sex kitten side, but she may want to let him know that she loves museum, karate movies, and gardening.  The more she reveals, the more he sees her as whole person and maybe she can eventually be his wife.

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Simple women vs. Quality women

Ok simple women are making life a living hell for us quality woman out there in the dating world! I used to blame men for being so impatient with the dating process, wanting women to take care of them financially, and not standing up and being an independent man. Not anymore. I place 50% of the blame for this on simple women!

Simple women accept the low standards from some of these men. They take them into their homes knowing that they have no intentions on working and helping out around the house. They also give them sex on the first encounter. I would say first “date” however, these types of men don’t date, so we shall just refer to these as “encounters.”

Simple women don’t require dates,  have sex on the first encounter, send naked pics, allow men to live with them(the lease is in her name and he pays nothing), allows him to drive her car (he contributes no gas money) and she pays for their vacation. They are pathetic!

How does this affect quality women? There are more of them than us!

When a man breaks up with a simple woman and comes across quality woman, he is expecting us to behave like her! When we do not, he thinks that we are stuck up and have too high of a standard. If we don’t do something for him, a simple woman will! Where is the incentive for him to come up to a normal standard?

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